Me: I want some rice krispies but I think the milk is bad.
Jon: Really? I think it went bad on the second.
*I grab milk out of the fridge and smell it*
Me: It's only kind of bad.
Jon: You are ridiculous. Are you going to tell me you're going to drink bad milk before you go running around all night?
Me: It's not bad!!
Jon: "It's only kind of bad."
Me: EXACTLY!


************


*End credits roll for the vampire movie Let the Right One In. While in deep thought I get up to twist open the blinds to let the sun back into the apartment*
Me: *twist twist twist* I wonder what they wer-
Jon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHG! *arms and legs failing*



************


Jon: I think Voltaire is like a dark Andrew Bird.
Me: ...who doesn't whistle.
Jon: lolololol

I needed the safety of my parent's home this weekend in a way that words cannot convey. There was something so beautiful and peaceful in the air back in my old town that I don't get here in Orlando - where I swear the air always reeks of something sour and pungent like burnt garlic or onions. The air and water at my parents house is so much sweeter, and the sound of the cicadas singing in the mossy trees was like a symphony to my ears, and the owls hooting in the distance brought me a comfort that I cannot find anywhere else. I've missed being around nature.

I needed all of that that because staying here in my apartment, constantly seeing the aftermath of the break-in has left me raw and exposed, and untrusting of anyone who walks past my door. I suppose it's good that I worked almost every day this week so that I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the negative, but I've still been thoroughly depressed over all of it. Since it happened one week ago, I've felt violated in the worst possible way. Sure they took my stuff and trashed the place, but they've also created this hole in my subconscious that I've been trying desperately to fill, but because I haven't been able to find any suitable distractions I've found myself doing not much more than sleeping or staring off into space. I've tried keeping a journal to record the good times I had on my trip to NYC at the beginning of the month, but that's only left me frustrated in that I can't see David or even talk to him because he's been so busy with everything he's doing in Chicago. I need a friend here to wax intellectual with over coffee or tea just to get my mind off of the negative. Or then there's one of my old favorite distractions, although that's not really what I want - or even need - right now.
Sitting at the cafe in Borders was pretty much the only comfort I could find this past week otherwise.


So here's the list of everything they took:

- 24" iMac and everything on it which included every digital piece of artwork I've ever created (I have no backups), not to mention all my modeling stuff and tons of video I've taken, and also the files for my website charlesanddarwin.com which I have no way of retrieving because the site is no longer online. They took my mouse and keyboard as well, but I suppose that's a given.
- Samsung 42" LCD Television
- PS3
- XBox 360
- Nintendo DS Lite (which happened to be Lily's birthday present from me last year and it was holding the game that I bought her for her birthday this year)
- Nikon Coolpix camera (which I almost brought with me that day but the battery was dead so I didn't bother)
- $70 cash (from my parents to cover cost of the Blue Man tickets)
- A box of games which included: Rockband 1 & 2 for the PS3. Katamari Damacy, Kingdom Hearts I & II, Singstar 80's (don't judge :P), Evil Dead: Fistfull of Boomstick, Evil Dead: Regeneration for PS2. Batman: Arkham Asylum for the 360, and Professor Layton for the DS.

They also ruined our huge paper floor lamp, put a hole in the wall behind the door from kicking it open, and left a huge gash in my desk that looks like someone dropped a bowling ball on it. I don't know if they ruined my scanner and printer when they threw them off my bookshelf yet because I haven't tried them out - I honestly don't want to know at this point.

Most of that stuff I'm like "oh well" over, but my computer with all that work on it is what kills me. What if I cannot ever create anything that good again? Most of my better paintings were happy accidents, not skill. I was going to sell prints of a bunch of those paintings as soon as I could afford to get them framed but that's definitely not going to happen now.

I just feel completely hopeless and don't know what I'm going to do. My mom is trying to push me in a different direction now, as if to say that maybe art isn't for me after all. I just know I need to get out of my grieving process before I make any kind of real decisions about the future.

I'm already so sick of this town...

I have this weird fascination with insects. I think I always have. They're just so foreign and beautiful to me....as long as they're not ON me.

Lately I've been spending a lot of free time looking at the posts over at whats_that_bug. It's a community that - as I'm sure you'd imagine - consists of people posting pictures of insects they find and then everyone else tries to identify them. I usually go and do more research on the insects after they are identified, which I guess is my strange self's idea of fun. Biggest nerd ever! I know.

Moths are my favorites. I find them so much more beautiful and interesting than butterflies.
My favorite is quite the beauty:
Oleander Moth
http://entomology.ifas.ufl.edu/fasulo/woodypest/1003.htm



Other than the many awesome moths another favorite of mine is the Steelblue Ladybird (Halmus chalybeus)



Anyone want to share their favorites with me? Or am I just completely alone here in having favorite bugs? I'm a strange cookie, I know.

I have a theory about my role this year:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJL2wP1GagI

Just a theory...

I like to log the strange dreams that I can't quite explain. This is one of those:

I was in the wilderness at a tiny food and supplies shop where I had requested a young fox for a creative project - probably a film - and it just so happened that the shop owner knew just how to get one, so I went away while I awaited the arrival of the animal.
After I received a message telling me that the fox had arrived I returned to the store and they informed me that the fox they were selling me was actually the second they had received. Recently, a large wolf started roaming the woods around the shop and it had killed the first one. They kept the skin of the dead fox, which was pure white, and when I held it in my hands I was in awe and saddened that such an enchanting animal was killed for no good reason. We were on a platform above the shop and I was holding the second fox which was white with black bits that made this one look grey. Suddenly the wolf came into the clearing surrounding the shop. He was large and grey and when he saw us up above him he stood up on his hind legs and walked around just like a human, gestures and all. First he looked a little upset and impatient, waving his arms around in frustration. After a bit he put his paws on his hips and just looked up at us like he was waiting in a very cocky manner. He was after the second fox which I held onto tightly, but for some reason the fox wanted to go down with the wolf. The fox struggled and clawed and tried as hard as it could to get down to the wolf. I could barely keep ahold of it.
I believe that's where I woke up.
It seems to hold some sort of significance, but I can't figure out what.
When I dream of animals usually that's the case. My dreams rarely have plots or coherent thoughts so that's why this one stands out. There's a story in this one.

Any dream people want to take a crack at this one? What is my subconscience trying to say here?

Words cannot express how much I love this man and his music. Nothing puts me in a better mood than listening to his voice and those strings.

Andrew Bird - Lull


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzS-PsnFX-o

Being alone, it can be quite romantic
Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic
A fantastic voyage to parts unknown
Going to depths where the sun's never shone
And I fascinate myself when I'm alone

So I go a little overboard, but hang on to the hull
While I'm airbrushing fantasy art on a life
That's really kind of dull
Oh, I'm in a lull

I'm all for moderation, but sometimes it seems
Moderation itself can be a kind of extreme
So I joined the congregation
I joined the softball team
I went in for my confirmation
Where incense looks like steam
I start conjugating proverbs
Where once there were nouns
This whole damn rhyme scheme's
Starting to get me down

Oh, I'm in a lull
I'm in a lull

Being alone, it can be quite romantic
Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic
A fantastic voyage to parts unknown
Going to depths where the sun's never shone
And I fascinate myself, sure I do
When I'm alone

I'm rambling on rather self-consciously
While I'm stirring these condiments into my tea
And I think I'm so lame, I bet I think this song’s about me
Don't I, don't I, don't I?

I'm in a lull...

To state the obvious, this journal hasn't seen a lot of activity lately. One contributing factor is that I originally thought facebook's auto livejournal re-post option was neat... up until I realized it took away that entire anonymity thing that made it so easy to just spill my guts on the internet. Facebook has since rearranged things and I'm too lazy to try and figure out how to turn it off. It was hard enough just trying to figure out how to take unwanted people off my friend list.

Another big reason is because most of my entries are misinterpreted. They're largely tongue-in-cheek, making light of situations by complaining about them (e.g. the ones about Jon). I bring up things that annoy me but I really don't feel quite as strongly about them as I come off. This place is just where I unload my thoughts at any particular moment and anyone who knows me knows that I am completely manic and rarely stay focused on any one thought for too long.

In short, no one I write about is either all that special or quite as loathed as it may seem.

I'm almost considering Vloging just to avoid these misunderstandings....so much gets lost in plain text. But that takes so much more effort and I'm really not THAT into myself.



So getting on to actual content,


Auditions have been popping up everywhere lately and I feel like I'm finally starting to get the hang of them. They used to get me so wound up that I had a hard time acting naturally with all that adreneline pumpling through my veins, but a friend recently gave me one great bit of advice. He simply told me to go in there and not care. Maybe it's common sense to most, but I needed someone to spell it out for me. All my stress came from the fear that I wouldn't get a part, but in my mind I always knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it. I always knew that it wasn't a personal issue if I wasn't picked because there are just so many factors to consider, but I still would let the pressure get to me.

So, the last audition I went to happened to be my first theatre audition and I've really wanted to get into theatre for the past six months or so. This was my first opportunity to give my friend's advice a shot and it worked like magic. This audition went better than any other audtion I have ever done. The director gave me great feedback and I was just beaming for the rest of the night. I didn't get the part but a lot was riding on that one character so I understood completely, with my complete lack of experience and all.

I have two more auditions in the next few days for Universal. We'll see if I can still keep cool using his advice when in that huge, empty audition room while a group of people sit outside the door and listen in on you while they're waiting for each of their turns.
Gah! The pressure is too much!!!

I'm still debating on whether to use a different monologue for each one. I don't know if it will be the same group of people at the table or not. These will only be my third and forth Universal "one minute comedic monologue" audtions so I'm still unclear about the details. Like do they want you to dress the part or do they just want you to look professional? Do they take off points if your monologue is longer than a minute? My current one is running almost to a minute and a half and I don't think I can cut it down any more without losing something important....well, if I screw up again I can at least tack these on as learning experience.

Well, if these don't go anywhere I still have Halloween Horror Nights and then Macy's to look forward to which are both tons of fun. Either way, I'll be happy.

Ever know someone who can not only never admit he or she is wrong, but goes out of their way to "prove" you wrong simply by being the loudest one in the conversation, not open to any facts that you may bring to the debate?

Annoying, right?

Now imagine living with that person.

...

....and he wonders why I prefer to go out alone. Ha!

I suppose I can't claim rock bottom yet, but damn, I'm pretty close without a source of income.

Disney has me on a waiting list for a lifeguard position, and knowing my luck by the time they put me on I'll already have another job. That's one job I know I'll love.

The comic writer I mentioned earlier decided to go with me as the artist, but I haven't had a face-to-face yet, where I hope to get details on the plans for publishing and royalties and such. I've been told by friends that I should make up a contract with him so he doesn't run off with my art and make a killing...assuming that we'll have a gem on our hands.

My mom - I love her tons even though I complain about her so much - switched my Sirius radio back on for another year because they had a great rate going. I was really down about not having my favorite music anymore and now that it's back, life seems a little brighter. Oh mom, where would I be without you?

I'm enjoying my favorite club again. Lately I've been considering finding another dive. Probably just too many bad experiences grouped together in such a short time frame. The last few nights I've gone I've run into a lot of my favorite people who make all the difference. Hopefully the cool kids keep coming out, brightening up my nights (of course also including those couple friends I see out every week who kept me coming back).

I have a kitten. She's asleep in my lap as I type this. She's a sweetheart but also a handful. She's a siamese and I specifically looked for the breed because the one other siamese I had was the sweetest cat I've ever known. If I had a place to keep her after my first marriage she'd still be with me....who knows where she ended up. Such a shame... I named her Isis and she was gorgeous. My new kitten clearly isn't a purebred, but is what's commonly referred to as a snowshoe siamese. So far we've stuck with the name we gave her on the ride home: Mew, because she was mewing the entire time. I know cats hate car rides and always meow loudly whenever in a moving vehicle, but she had the most precious little meow that sounded like she was just saying "mew" over and over again.


Now for the not so great stuff. I don't have the money to renew Charles and Darwin, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm relying on my roommate/ex-boyfriend for everything because I'm not making any money due to never getting scheduled, and because of that we're just not making it. His piece of crap car keeps breaking down and I don't know what he's going to do when it finally decides to keel over and die.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't find work. I'm not the worrying type and well, I'm beginning to worry. My usual luck where things just fall in my lap isn't working out anymore.

I'm getting desperate.

Any rich guys out there looking for a girlfriend???

I guess I missed out on a lot when I never got around to taking those philosophy courses I wanted to take.

I've always been aware of the connection between LOST's Danielle Rousseau and the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Her living alone in the wilderness seemed an obvious tip of the hat toward his writings.

But as I was getting breakfast this morning I took a second look at my Jane Austen coffee cup. I thought, "Wait, is there any connection between Kate Austen and Jane Austen as well?" Having only read Pride and Prejudice I didn't really have a large grasp on her works so I consulted the great and powerful Wiki. Turns out you really could compare Kate with the subject matter of Jane Austen's writings, but I still wasn't sure.

I wanted to find out more. I was curious if anyone else had come to the same conclusion, but I couldn't find anything hinting toward the connection.

However upon googling the connection between the Rousseaus I found this page: http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Philosophy

I feel so left out not catching these as they appeared like I did with Rousseau. I love that sort of hidden meaning stuff. It makes you feel like you're in on some inside joke that most people won't catch. I also love things dealing with philosophy, anything to make you question the world around you. Oh LOST, how I adore you.

I almost feel inspired to go back to school after reading that, but considering how I still have no idea what I want to do I probably never will...well, that and I can't seem to finish my math courses. blahrg!